Goodbye My Lover
by WriteAtNight
Summary: Drake is watching Josh pack his bags to leave and remembers the events that brought them to this place. SLASH. Future Fic. Warning:infant death ment. One-Shot. Rating changed to M due to sensitive subject matter.


Goodbye My Lover

Disclaimer: Don't own. Not making profit.

Rated: T

Pairing: Drake/Josh Slash

Warning: VERY SAD (infant death ment.)

Summary: Drake is watching Josh pack his bags and leave and remember the events that brought them to this place. SLASH. Future Fic.

A/N: Another sad one… sorry, but the bunny wouldn't leave me alone. I really do have some happy ones in the works though, seriously. Song Title based is Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt and of course as always I recommend you listen while you read but I'm a music addict so… LOL.Also I don't know all details of adoption but these seemed to work for this story. Leave me lots of reviews if you want to, XD. This makes me so sad it almost screams sequel just for the fact of I don't know if I can leave it this sad.

--

Drake watched as Josh packed his bags to leave. He tried to hold back the tears but was failing miserably. He sat on his bed just watching. He knew he should have left the room while he packed but he couldn't. He had to keep him in his life just a little longer.

He could tell it was hard on Josh too, he could see the tears in his eyes too. He hated that this was happening. He hated the fact that the only person he would ever love was really leaving this time. Leaving him.

He figured it was Karma that had taken a long time to come back on him. So many times he used to leave Josh, back when they were kids, before they fell in love, while they fell in love, and even after they fell in love. He thought of the times he felt the knot in his stomach when he would go out with a girl and leave the boy he loved at home just to make his point clear that Drake Parker wasn't going to be monogamous.

In the end though he decided he _could_ be as long as Josh would let him, and for the past 12 years he had.

As Josh took some stuff out to the car Drake thought about the first time he said goodbye and left him.

--

It was when Josh was leaving for college. That was when Drake realized he didn't want anyone else and couldn't stand the thought of Josh with anyone else. He hated himself for taking too long to realize it but when he did he was watching Josh pack.

He was sitting on the couch in their room. He stood up and walked to the door to lock it. Then he sat on Josh's bed. Josh went over there to him and sat beside him. Drake lay down on Josh's bed and pulled Josh's arm so he would lie down too. They didn't say aword; their tears said it all. They lay on their sides facing each other and Drake kissed Josh. Josh wrapped his fingers in Drake's hair.

Their tears stopped and turned into passion, Drake rolled over with Josh on top of him and wrapped his legs around his waist. Josh's hands held Drake's hips. They had been in this position enough to know what they wanted, and they both gave, with more emotion than ever before in their relationship, until last night.

--

Last night Drake felt as if they were back in their own room. He knew Josh was leaving today and knew there was no stopping him. They decided to spend their last night together, together.

Drake tried to hold on enough for the both of them, hoping it would work like last time. Last time, last time they decided that even with Josh gone they wouldn't date anyone else. They would make time to see each other and often. Drake was finally in love and Josh being in love with Drake for even longer than Drake knew, wanted it more than anything.

They survived. They survived college and concert tours. They survived sex crazed fans. They survived telling their parents they were in love and the time it took them to come around. They survived the period of time they wouldn't talk to them and the calls Megan would sneak to them.

--

It was about a year after their parents stopped speaking to them that they decided to have an actual commitment ceremony. Josh was still in college and Drake's career had started taking off. They wanted to totally be committed to each other. Their friends were ecstatic. Megan was thrilled. They sent their parents an invitation but figured they wouldn't come.

They saw Megan walk in and smiled, but their smiles slowly faded when they saw she was alone, until they saw their parents walk in. After the ceremony and during the party their parents came up and apologized for losing so much time with them and for not being there for them at a time when they needed their support. The family healing started and things were perfect.

They decided a few years ago that they wanted a baby. Josh was amazingly in love with the idea of being a father. Drake wasn't as in love with it as Josh was and if he was with anybody else he wouldn't have liked the idea at all, but he loved Josh and the idea of raising a baby with him was something he could do and want to do, so they decided that adopting a baby is what they would do. They could obviously afford it, they had room for a child, and they had love and a family to offer a child.

The time came for the child to be born that they had waited so impatiently for. Their caseworker was so excited when the mother went into labor that even she went to the hospital. Everyone was happy for them. Their parents flew in to be there and they were laughing wondering if they would make it in time for the birth.

Drake and Josh were both in the delivery room. They had bonded with the mother somewhat. They went to appointments and gave her trips to day spa's occasionally. She was a sweet girl, just pregnant a little too soon for her, which was to their benefit.

They were in the delivery room and she was pushing. They were holding hands smiling until the doctor delivered a sleeping baby. There was no crying. The baby boy could not be revived. Two people fell apart and clung to each other in that room… the mother and Josh. They cried together. Josh wouldn't leave her side because even though she was giving him up, she carried him for nine months.

Drake walked out of the room to the hallway to their family and few friends. They were smiling until they noticed the tears forming and falling from his eyes. He looked at them. His mother ran to him and embraced him while they both cried. That was their first heartbreak of having (or not) a child.

They got to name him so after careful consideration they decided on David Jonas. Both of their initials were in their would be sons name. David meant beloved and Jonas meant a dove, to which they likened to his soul that flew away to heaven.

Drake was worried then that Josh may not recover from that but he seemed to be better once they started proceedings for another child. They didn't get as close that time because the mother backed out after her parents said they would help her.

Again, Josh was devastated. Heartbreak number two. Drake noticed him change everyday and turn into something he never thought Josh could be… depressed.

They decided a final try. Drake told Josh that the third time was a charm and Josh told Drake that if not he was done. It was over. He told him that he couldn't take any more after that.

Drake knew the look and the voice of the man that said it. He knew after still having an empty nursery and still mourning the death of their son that Josh couldn't take much more.

Josh had been the strong one many times throughout their relationship but during these times it was Drake who was. He was watching the man he loved die a little each day.

It seemed like a blessing sent from God when they got a phone call from their caseworker that a girl had chosen them to adopt her unborn child.

The three of them bonded and the girl told them they would make amazing parents. They went to appointments, shopping for maternity clothes for her, lunch, and so much more.

When the delivery time came everyone was gathered once again trying to keep the memories away from the last time.

The moment they heard their newborn baby girl's cry, they both cried out of happiness and relief.

When the doctor asked the mother if she wanted to hold her she told him to let her daddies hold her. They were her parents now. The nurse happily brought baby girl over and asked who was the first to hold her. Of course it was Josh.

Their daughter. Their daughter. A tear from Josh's eyes fell on the baby and Drake reached over and wiped it off. Drake gave the nurse his camera and asked if she would take a picture, which she happily did. Josh stayed in the room while they got the baby ready to transport to the nursery while Drake took the camera out to show the family. They cried and clapped.

Josh thanked the mother countless times and she thanked him back for taking care of the baby she couldn't take care of.

They named her Sarah Noelle. Sarah meant princess and that she definitely was, and Noelle meant born on Christmas Day. While it may not have been December 25th, to them it was Christmas listening to her first cry and taking her first breath. She was Christmas everyday.

Life was perfect again. For the first time in a long time their life was perfect. 3 am feedings and diaper changes didn't bother either one of them but especially Josh. It was his perfect life. The man he loves and the child he loves. He was one of the good ones that needed to be a father to make him complete. Drake was happy it made him happy.

At one point Drake hated to but felt a little neglected (as do a lot of new fathers) but Josh had barely spoken to him at all for almost a week. He didn't resent the baby because he loved their daughter too, he was just sad that he was unable to give Josh that kind of joy. Of course Josh knew something was wrong and made sure Drake felt very loved and very wanted. Nothing could stop their perfect family.

The daddies took countless pictures and videos of their precious baby and their life together. Drake noticed the spark back in Josh that had been missing. He was back to normal. Drake knew the third time was a charm… except…

--

They had Sarah five months and knew that in a month things would completely be final. They were almost there this time. Things were perfect, until the day they got the call.

Addy, their caseworker called one day and Drake answered the phone. She was crying. "I'm sorry," she kept saying to Drake prompting him to ask what was wrong. She asked if Josh could hear them talk and he said no.

She was glad because she knew the news would kill him, and it did. She told Drake that although the mother put up a fight and tried to get him to back off the father was back after being convinced by his homophobic parents that his daughter was going to be a lesbian if left to be raised by two men. He had changed his mind about the adoption. He was taking Sarah away.

Drake couldn't breathe, "It will kill him. It will kill him," Drake told Addy. She listened as he spoke. She had been with them since their journey first started and became close to them. "I can't tell him," he told her "I can't. I can't do it. I can't tell him she's leaving. I can't do that".

"I'll be over soon. I'll do it," she told him.

"Okay," Drake said.

"Drake, you need to call your parents because if it is going to be as bad as you think it is, you can't do it on your own," she told him.

"I will," he said. He wished he hadn't answered the phone.

He hung up from her and dialed their parents. When Audrey answered the phone she heard his tears.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"She's leaving. They're taking her back. I can't tell him. I can't do this. He can't take this," he cried to his mother.

Addy telling Josh was the easiest part. She knew the hard part would be taking her from him. She told them they had until the following evening with her.

Audrey and Walter got on a plane as soon as they got a flight. Megan got there later.

"Maybe we could leave. We have money. We could run. We could take her," Josh would say. He knew he couldn't do that to this precious child he was holding though. He couldn't take her and run and deny his princess everything this world had to offer for a life of secrecy and hiding.

He didn't want to stop holding her. He let Walter, Audrey, and Megan hold her for a few minutes each, but he didn't want to put her down.

He glared at Drake when Drake went to touch her. He hated him. For the first time in his life he hated him.

He hated him for not telling him. He hated him for him being who he loved even though he knew it wasn't Drake's fault. He hated him though, hated him for being a guy. The whole time they had been together all he talked about was how much he loved Drake and it was always Drake and now for the first time he hated him and hated him more than he ever hated anything. He hated how much he still loved him.

"Don't touch her," Josh told him. "It's your fault. You were jealous,"

"Josh," Drake started to say.

"Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me ever again. Not in my lifetime," Josh told him "You did this".

Drake started to cry and think maybe he did cause this. Everyone else started to cry too.

"Josh come on, it's not his fault, what are you talking about?" Audrey said.

"He knows. He knows exactly what I'm talking about don't you Drake?" Josh said with a look Drake had never seen in his eyes before.

"I didn't mean it," he told Josh.

"You've always been selfish Drake, always. You always have to have what you want and keep going and going until you get it and then you ruin everyone else around you. I will never forgive you for this." Josh said.

"Josh, honey," Audrey said putting her hand on his shoulder "Please let him hold her. Please. Whatever this is about he loves her too you know. He has to say goodbye too".

"Yes, he has to say goodbye. He'll be saying goodbye. I'll be saying goodbye. You remember what I said don't you?" Josh said looking into Drake's eyes.

Drake looked away and wiped his eyes. He knew what was going to happen. He knew this would kill Josh and it was, it did. All he could do was try to hold on for them both.

Josh got up and walked over to Audrey with the baby in his arms. "Here, you can take her to him. I'm not handing _my_ daughter over to _him_," he said.

Josh walked over to Drake, leaned over, and put his hands on Drake's shoulders. He looked him in the eyes "Listen closely, can you hear me?" he asked.

"Yes," Drake said.

He glared at him with a look of death and tears started falling freely from his eyes. He touched his lips to Drake's and pulled back quickly "I hate you," Josh said and then walked out of the room and went out the back door.

Audrey walked over to Drake who now had his elbows propped on his legs and his head buried in his face.

"Come on Drake. Come on. You need to hold her," she said.

"No. I can't. What if he's right? I mean he is right to an extent. I am the reason he's losing her. If he wasn't with me he wouldn't be losing her," Drake said.

"_You're_ losing her _too_ you know," Audrey said.

"No. _I'm_ losing _him_," he said looking up at her.

The rest of that night was the hardest Drake and Josh went through. Walter and Audrey went to sleep, Megan was watching TV, Drake was holding the daughter he had to say goodbye to, and since Drake was the one holding her, Josh went outside again. The good thing about having a lot of property is he felt he could really scream and cry without anyone except God to hear him.

--

"You need to talk to him," Megan said.

"He hates me Megan," Drake said.

"He hates this, not you," She told him.

"He blames me," he said.

"Yes because he needs to. He doesn't know what to do," she said.

"He told me last time that if it didn't happen this time that he was done. It was over," he said.

"Adopting?" she asked.

"What do you think Megan? I can't give him a child. What do you think?" he said. He got up and took Sarah over to Megan. Megan reached out to take her niece.

Drake walked outside to find Josh and when he did he found him kneeling on his knees praying and begging for forgiveness and pleas to keep his daughter. He heard him say something that hurt him worse than hearing Josh say he hated him. Josh said he was sorry for loving him.

Drake walked over to Josh and got on his knees behind him and put his arms around him. It was the first contact they had since he'd found out except when he touched his shoulders. Drake put his head on Josh's back. Josh stopped talking but both of them were crying.

"I'm sorry Josh, I'm sorry," Drake finally said. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do to make it better. I'm sorry. Please don't be sorry for loving me though please don't be sorry about that. Please," Drake cried. "I love you Josh. Hate me if you want to, hate me if you need to. If it will make it better hate me, I don't care. Just don't be sorry for loving me. I can't be sorry for loving you. I love you Josh. I love you".

Josh turned around to face Drake. He sat down on the ground and pulled Drake on his lap. Drake wrapped his legs around Josh's waist. Josh slightly chuckled because he knew if he got up he would have to take Drake with him.

Drake was looking down feeling scared, ashamed, and sad for them both. Josh lifted Drake's chin to look at him. Drake was afraid of what he would say until he saw the look in Josh's eyes wasn't one of hatred, it was just Josh.

"I love you. I don't hate you, not really. I hate what is happening," Josh told him and then kissed him.

Drake wrapped his arms around Josh and enjoyed the kiss. "I love you Josh," he said breaking the kiss.

"Come on," Josh said, "this is our last night with our daughter. Let's spend it with her as a family".

Drake wasn't making it easy on Josh getting up but finally got off of him so they could go in.

That night they slept very little and only when they were so exhausted that they couldn't stay awake. They didn't want to miss Sarah's last night as their daughter.

It was an emotional day but when Addy came to pick Sarah up and Josh carried the packed bags of Sarah's things (except the few items they kept as keepsakes) it started again.

When he held her for the last time it was worse than the day before. He held her, kissed her forehead, told her daddy loved her and he would always be her daddy regardless what happened and nobody could love her as much as him. But what broke everybody was when he touched her sweet sleeping face and said "I'm sorry I failed you".

Addy hated to drive off but knew if she didn't leave now it would only get worse.

He immediately went into the once again empty nursery and just sat for a while holding the little blanket he wrapped her in so often.

Everybody was afraid to approach the room so they all stayed away, including Drake. He knew he was just prolonging the words Josh would say to him but he couldn't hear them yet.

--

And that is the events that brought them to this day. Josh told Drake he loved him. Drake knew he did. Drake knew Josh tried. He really _really_ tried. He couldn't blame him for leaving; he could only wish him to stay.

Drake knew today would be the day. Today was the day they were supposed to be finalizing their adoption and be a complete family. Instead it was all over. His family was gone. One member gone a month ago and the other one walking out the door today.

Even last night, their last time together, Josh told Drake he loved him. Drake knew Josh gave into him last night because he loved him.

All of what Josh was taking was now packed and he was saying his final goodbye to the man he has spent the past twelve years with.

Drake tried to imagine going home for Christmas next year and seeing Josh with a very pregnant wife and how he would have to deal with it. He knew why Josh was leaving. As much as he loved Drake he couldn't stand an empty nursery. Drake knew Josh was the kind of man that had to be a father to make his life complete. He tried to do that with _him_, but after three tries, three heartaches, it was over. He couldn't take it anymore.

Any woman would be lucky to have Josh father their children. He wondered briefly what Josh would tell her about them. He wondered if Josh would tell her he still loved him. Drake stopped those thoughts as they made him feel nauseous.

He was still sitting on (now) his bed when Josh came in the room one final time. They were both crying. Josh sat next to him. Drake leaned on him and then looked up at him. Josh cupped his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to do this. I'm sorry I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry," Josh said his lips brushing Drake's tasting the salty tears that were falling from both of them.

"I love you Josh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I couldn't give you this," Drake said.

"You tried. You did but I can't take another heartache and I can't take looking at an empty nursery again knowing we had a daughter in there a month ago that would be ours today. I love you. I do love you and I tried Drake, I tried," Josh said.

"I know you did. I know you did. I love you for that. I love you anyway. I'll always love you Josh, always. Always," Drake said.

"I will always love you too," Josh said.

He got up and walked toward the door. Drake followed him and walked out with him.

Josh started to drive away but rolled the window down before he did.

"Goodbye Drake," Josh said looking at him

"Good bye Josh," Drake said looking back at Josh.

"I love you." Josh said.

"I love you too," he said back.

"I'm sorry." Josh said

"I'm sorry too Josh. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I failed you," Drake said remembering the words Josh said to Sarah.

And again they were words that broke them. Josh pulled away as fast as he could wiping his eyes so he could see to drive and Drake just let them fall waiting until Josh was out of sight before going back in to his house. Going in to his empty house, empty bed, empty life, and empty heart.

He knew they loved each other and knew that up until now their love had conquered all, but then today found that sometimes that saying is true… sometimes love's just not enough…

--

The End.


End file.
